Apu for Vice President!!
My fellow Americans, this election is about a choice. A choice of who you want a heartbeat away from the most powerful position in the world. For my money, this choice is clear: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon should be our next Vice President.
There are those who react to this suggestion with disbelief. “Apu has nowhere near enough experience to lead the free world!” they shout. To this I respond: Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon has more executive experience than McCain, Obama, Biden and Palin combined! He has been the manager of the Quicky Mart for over twenty years! This involves many executive decisions, including, but not limited to, deciding when to clean the Squishee machine and whether or not to replace food that is past its shelf life. (The fact that he has never cleaned the Squishee machine nor removed food that is past its shelf life only reinforces the point: he is a man of principle and resolve! “Let the market decide what is best!” says Apu.)
Additionally, surely no one can doubt Apu’s authority when it comes to domestic policy. He and his wife Manjula have octuplets! Octuplets! Just think of the domestic friction this is bound to cause, and he negotiates it with ease!
Foreign Policy experience? Well, for starters, need I repeat Apu Nahasapeemapetilon? His very name is foreign! Additionally, though it is not widely known, his hotdogs are made of meat from Russia! What else do we need in someone who might sit face to face with Putin one day?
Of course those within the beltway will be eager to try to resurrect scandal, but let me assure you: Salamigate was all hype and no substance. Whether it is the fifteen second rule or the four thousand three hundred and fifteen second rule–is this the basis upon which we should decide the ruler of the greatest nation on earth?
Nation, this is no time to let the talking heads of the media confuse the issues, distracting us from the patriotic values of this outstanding candidate. Vote Nahasapeemapetilon–he’s the man for the ticket!