The Daily Sabbatical

It’s back-to-school time and the ever confusing tax holiday is upon us. This is when we rush out to buy the necessities for our children so they don’t start the first day looking like pigpen. But it’s confusing what is taxable and what isn’t. Here’s a few of the key points, as listed at the Window on State Government website. You can tell a little about the people who made the list based upon what is exempted. For example, it is clear that the listmakers subscribe to Field and Stream.

So, you can tax belt buckles, but not belts with buckles. You can tax household aprons, but not aprons for welders. Do not, by any means, tax adult diapers. We don’t want people taking off their aprons for any reason.

Baseball caps are exempt. (The kind that face forward, not the kind that face to the side or the back.) So are baseball jerseys. Baseball cleats and gloves are not.

In general, if it has cleats, it is not exempt.

Bathing caps are taxable, but not bathing suits. Cowboy boots are exempt, ski boots are not. Bow ties and bowling shirts, exempt, but not bowling shoes.

You’ll be happy to know that children’s novelty costumes are exempt. As long as they don’t involve cleats.

Fins but not fishing caps are taxable. Rubber gloves are taxable, but dress gloves are not. Unless they are rented. If you rent your dress gloves, they’ll be taxes. Your rubber gloves are taxed regardless. So, incidentally, are hockey gloves.

Hunting vests are exempt. Hmmm. In case when walking through the halls, you see a covey of doves that needs shootin.

Knee pads are taxable, but not leg-warmers. So I suppose, you could beat the system by pulling your leg warmers up over your knees! Take it to the man!

Paint respirators are taxable, but not painter paints or panty hose.

This weekend, all patterns will be taxed.

As will all pocket squares and personal flotation devices.

You can buy you some robes, tax free, but don’t even think about ribbons. They tax the shit out of ribbons. And shoelaces, cause they’re a lot like ribbons.

Boat shoes are exempt. Hmmm.

The shoe shine boy will tax you. If you are wearing skates of any kind, he will be shining taxable items.

Suspenders and bow-ties are exempt. That’s only fair, because if you wear those to school, you’ll be giving up your lunch money all year long.

Anything that has to do with tennis is exempt. Unless you use cleats when you play tennis.

Underpants and undershirts are tax free, but overshoes are not.

This is definitely the time of year to stock up on veils and fishing vests, unless they are bulletproof. The Bass Pro Shops Mourning Suit not only doesn’t get taxed, it’s on sale.

I hope this has helped. Now, I’m going to buy me some hunting shoes.

At long last it appears that my exile to the suburbs has come to an end.  When the Garland house closes on Monday, that terrible strip of Northwest Highway between Hillcrest and Oates can be left behind forever.  No longer is Chili’s the local watering hole and Applebee’s the corner sandwhich shop.  Finally, it is not just other underwatered lawns that are in walking distance.  Lakewood, here we come.

Of course, the pains have not ended.  Moving from a house to an apartment presents puzzles in spatial reasoning that make Rubick look a Rube.  And, there is the always entertaining game of hide-and-seek with the wireless signal in the new space.  But soon, soon I’ll be happy again.

Won’t I?

Still not eating chicken, and still glad about it.

Pilgrim’s Pride dumping chicken parts in East Texas landfill

03:37 PM CDT on Sunday, August 3, 2008

Associated Press

MOUNT PLEASANT, Texas — A processing plant has begun dumping chicken byproducts into an East Texas industrial landfill, causing a stench and angering residents who say they live “in the line of fire.”

“It’s not neighborly to be dumping so much waste that it stinks up the countryside for over half a mile,” said Scott Thompson, who lives near the landfill.

Thompson told the Mount Pleasant Daily Tribune for a story in its Sunday editions that the stink from chicken parts is “so strong that it gave me a headache and made me nauseous.”

Yesterday our house had the first showing in about two weeks, an end to a drought that will probably have us lowering the price a bit.   The call for the showing came with Lanie and I at work, so I was a little concerned: we usually get the house in pretty good shape before leaving in the morning, but after ten days without showings carelessness was bound to set in.  Had the litter box been cleaned?  Did the trash smell like moldy squash blossoms?  Fortunately, when I walked in after work, the place looked pristine.  I was amazed.  Until I got to my office and found that one of my cats had recently vomited on the floor.  That always sells a house I hear.  Bake bread, and make your cats vomit.  Oh well.

Coincidentally, I ran upon the following site that features embarassing photos people included in their real estate listings.  It’s not as entertaining as I had hoped, but it does make me feel better. http://lovelylisting.blogspot.com/

According to The Nation, the democratic apparatus in Texas is seeing a surge that could change the state’s colors from blood red to blue.  Carter is the last dem to carry the state, winning it in ’76.  Could Obama be next?  I say, that depends: if he wears the hat, he’s a shoe in.

Local Dallas politician John Wiley Price brought national attention to our fair city by creating a brouhaha over a fellow council member’s use of the term “Black Hole” to characterize a governmental office where tickets seem to just disappear.  Apparently, Price found this racist and objectionable.  In his defense to Fox, he implies that “Black Hole” is like “Jew you down” for haggling, and even worse, black cake being called “devil’s food cake” instead of its caucasion correllate “angel food cake.”

I sure hope Price’s kids aren’t afraid of the dark, for that’s grounds for ostracism.  Should he warn the Asians about the sneaky use of “Yellow Fever” not to mention the Martians about “Green with Envy.”  And surely the fact that the devil is red hasn’t escaped the attention of Native Americans everywhere.  Personally, I think it’s a crime that people are said to “look pale” when they are sick.  I mean, how am I supposed to feel about that?  And when someone with plain and uninteresting tastes is said to be vanilla, I know what they’re talking about.

Price has done the world a real service by highlighting these subtle forms of linguistic discrimination.  It is a dark day indeed that such racism has infiltrated the basic science of physics!

Man who killed burglary suspects cleared

HOUSTON, Texas (AP) — A Texas man who shot and killed two men he suspected of burglarizing his neighbor’s home was cleared in the shootings Monday by a grand jury.

Joe Horn, 61, shot the two men in November after he saw them crawling out the windows of a neighbor’s house in the Houston suburb of Pasadena.

Horn called 911 and told the dispatcher he had a shotgun and was going to kill the men. The dispatcher pleaded with him not to go outside, but Horn confronted the men with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot both in the back.

“The message we’re trying to send today is the criminal justice system works,” Harris County District Attorney Kenneth Magidson said.

Miracle in Dallas!

The reporter here does a good job of playing this straight.  Note especially: “Granite is typically used for kitchen countertops, tubs surrounds, bathroom vanities, etc.”

Residents See Jesus In Granite Slab

DALLAS (CBS 11 News) ― Workers at a marble company in Dallas say they have a slab of natural granite that has the image of Jesus in it.

Verona Marble Company Inc. takes pictures of every slab of stone in their inventory and posts them on their website. Wednesday, the owners say a customer in West Texas spotted the image among dozens of pictures and called to tell them about it.

Those who look at the 6×10 foot slab say they can see the head and arms of Jesus, along with either a belt, sword or glowing book.

The company has pulled the slab from its inventory and put it on display.

Verona Marble has had the granite slab, which came from a quarry in Brazil, since December. Company owners say the image is unique, especially since hunks of granite are sliced into slabs, like pieces of bread, and no other slabs from that particular piece of granite have the image.

Granite is typically used for kitchen countertops, tubs surrounds, bathroom vanities, etc.

The slab weighs between 900 and 1,000 pounds and is worth about $1500 wholesale.

The company owners say they feel blessed to have the piece and hope to sell it and donate the proceeds to a struggling church in Madill, Oklahoma.

(© MMVIII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

My favorite part here is where the delegate reveals either a) that he suspects everyone but him has nude statues in their living rooms, or b) he has nude statues in his living room, but doesn’t want to admit it for fear that not everyone has them.


Work on Texas GOP’s platform stirs passions

09:02 AM CDT on Friday, June 13, 2008

By WAYNE SLATER / The Dallas Morning News

HOUSTON – Robert Hurt went to Washington and didn’t like what he saw – nudity in the nation’s capital.
“Nude women, sculptured women,” he told the state Republican platform committee, which sat in rapt attention.

Of all the evils in Washington that the Texas GOP took aim at this week, removing art with naked people from public view was high on the list for Mr. Hurt, a delegate from Kerrville.

“You don’t have nude art on your front porch,” he explained. “You possibly don’t have nude art in your living rooms. So why is it important to have that in the common places of Washington, D.C.?”

Mr. Hurt offered statistics: He’d heard that 20 percent of the art in the National Gallery of Art is of nudes.

He offered detail: On Arlington Memorial Bridge overlooking the famed national cemetery, “there are two Lady Godivas, two women on horses with no shirt on and long hair.”

Actually, they are classical sculptures about war – one called Valor, depicting a male equestrian and a female with a shield, and Sacrifice, a female accompanying the rider Mars.

The GOP platform will be presented today to the full convention. Like all platforms, it’s a statement of principle and a political document to rally the troops.

In this, a presidential year, it advocates prayer in school, getting out of the United Nations, teaching intelligent design with evolution in science classes, repealing of the minimum wage, declaring illegal immigrants criminals and outlawing abortion with no exceptions.

“Hallelujah!” said a delegate who had urged strong anti-abortion language.

The platform calls homosexuality contrary to “the unchanging truths” ordained by God. It opposes gay marriage, civil unions and the custody of children by gays.

The party’s own leaders aren’t spared. There’s a call to repeal the McCain-Feingold campaign finance law, sponsored by the party’s presidential nominee, and to oppose the Trans-Texas Corridor, the brainchild of Gov. Rick Perry.

Ridding Washington of naked art didn’t make it. Neither did a complaint by a Kerr County delegate that her daughter was having trouble getting college scholarships.

“There are so many scholarships, if you are the right color,” she said. “But for a white girl, who has good grades, you really have to look.”

Glenn Sheblaton of Coppell, whose family fled communism, called for language to withdraw American troops from Iraq, saying, “You can’t impose democracy from the barrel of a gun.”

The committee disagreed.

“There is no substitute for victory!” the platform says in supporting the Bush administration’s war on “radical Islamist terrorists in Iraq, Afghanistan and other countries around the world.”

Last week, the Texas Democratic Party decided not to call for a federal Department of Peace and Nonviolence in its platform for fear Republicans would use it against the party in the fall campaign.

In much the same way, Republican Bill Calhoun of Houston cautioned against calling affirmative action “simply racism disguised as social value.” He said such language discourages blacks from joining the GOP.

The issue was debated in committee, principle vs. politics. In the end, strong language prevailed.

“That may not always be the best political strategy,” platform committee chairman Kirk Overbey said Thursday. “But we’re here to say we’re sticking by our principles.”

I’ve been pounding out the pages of the new book in the coffee shops of Tuscaloosa, and I’ve discovered that I require a cup of coffee every thousand words. After about five thousand, which is about all I can write in a day, I begin to feel sick and have to take a nap populated by coffee beans and cosmology.

I’ve developed a ritual. In the morning, I write in a coffee shop that is apparently named after a type of pickle, which the shop also sells. (It also sells dried out cigars and refrigerator magnets that say things like “I see dumb people” and “Of course I love you, honey. Now go get me a beer.”) Here, you can work to the sounds of Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd, and The Animals.

In the afternoon, I work in a dingier darker shop that is manned by folks with much more facial hair. In this shop you can work to the sounds of The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and (?) The Travelling Wilbury’s. It calls itself a studio cafe, and has the predictably terrible art on the walls. Today, I began to notice a biblical theme to some of the art. I thought it might be that I was just prone to interpret things this way, since I’m writing a tombstone for God, but then I noticed A Prayer a Day on the bookshelf, beside several suspiciously uplifting self-help books. Suddenly it all fell into place. How had I failed to notice that there was an entire nook advertising the services of a wedding planner? And another selling scented candles? The case was closed when I got a closer look at one of the candles in the restroom. “And the lord god said, let there be light. And there was light.” And apparently it smelled of Peach Berry. This has to be one of the weirdest coffee shops I’ve ever been in.

I hear tell of other coffee shops in Tuscaloosa, but I don’t see much need to investigate. Between pickle obsessed roasters and wedding planning jesus freaks, I’ve got plenty of space to write a dialogue on God. Perhaps if I find an espresso shop and firing range I’ll change my routine.