The Daily Sabbatical

Ah, The Onion!

With school just around the corner, young teachers are no doubt looking for advice and inspiration from the veterans of the field. Chris Bucholz over at Cracked has help: he offers excellent guidelines on how to win a fight against twenty children. I suggest everyone take a look: there’s no telling when those little fuckers are going to gang up on you.

It’s back-to-school time and the ever confusing tax holiday is upon us. This is when we rush out to buy the necessities for our children so they don’t start the first day looking like pigpen. But it’s confusing what is taxable and what isn’t. Here’s a few of the key points, as listed at the Window on State Government website. You can tell a little about the people who made the list based upon what is exempted. For example, it is clear that the listmakers subscribe to Field and Stream.

So, you can tax belt buckles, but not belts with buckles. You can tax household aprons, but not aprons for welders. Do not, by any means, tax adult diapers. We don’t want people taking off their aprons for any reason.

Baseball caps are exempt. (The kind that face forward, not the kind that face to the side or the back.) So are baseball jerseys. Baseball cleats and gloves are not.

In general, if it has cleats, it is not exempt.

Bathing caps are taxable, but not bathing suits. Cowboy boots are exempt, ski boots are not. Bow ties and bowling shirts, exempt, but not bowling shoes.

You’ll be happy to know that children’s novelty costumes are exempt. As long as they don’t involve cleats.

Fins but not fishing caps are taxable. Rubber gloves are taxable, but dress gloves are not. Unless they are rented. If you rent your dress gloves, they’ll be taxes. Your rubber gloves are taxed regardless. So, incidentally, are hockey gloves.

Hunting vests are exempt. Hmmm. In case when walking through the halls, you see a covey of doves that needs shootin.

Knee pads are taxable, but not leg-warmers. So I suppose, you could beat the system by pulling your leg warmers up over your knees! Take it to the man!

Paint respirators are taxable, but not painter paints or panty hose.

This weekend, all patterns will be taxed.

As will all pocket squares and personal flotation devices.

You can buy you some robes, tax free, but don’t even think about ribbons. They tax the shit out of ribbons. And shoelaces, cause they’re a lot like ribbons.

Boat shoes are exempt. Hmmm.

The shoe shine boy will tax you. If you are wearing skates of any kind, he will be shining taxable items.

Suspenders and bow-ties are exempt. That’s only fair, because if you wear those to school, you’ll be giving up your lunch money all year long.

Anything that has to do with tennis is exempt. Unless you use cleats when you play tennis.

Underpants and undershirts are tax free, but overshoes are not.

This is definitely the time of year to stock up on veils and fishing vests, unless they are bulletproof. The Bass Pro Shops Mourning Suit not only doesn’t get taxed, it’s on sale.

I hope this has helped. Now, I’m going to buy me some hunting shoes.

See article at TheOnion.

This will prevent all those those mix-ups. I’m not sure, but I think the mother may be looking forward to her own branding.

Cliché Reality has a hilarious comparison of quotes from Jack Handey and Martin Heidegger to determine who is the better philosopher. The answer is clear.

I never thought rice could be so appealing. It certainly beats the hell out of Estonian meat.

Thanks to The Huffington Post’s 23/6.

Definitely a TGIF video. And a TGIDTFTS (Thank God I’m Done Teaching For the Summer) video!